And this is damn sound advice.

I’m so sorry Chief. I’ll work harder tomorrow.

Or could I be the next Scott Adams?

Conversely, we say that those who are the opposite of being knowledgable are blind, or in the dark. “Can’t you SEE the potential of this project?!”, you might say to your boss, as he rejects your proposal. The ability to visualise something that is intangible seems to be a common trait of geniuses. Think Einstein, with his thought-experiments that equated gravity on earth with the sensation of travelling away in space in a rocket. This was before any rockets were invented and flown into space.

The eyes of your mind paints its own picture, and perhaps that is why the sight is so valued, your eyes are right next to your most important organ, the brain. This was not always the case, though. In Classical Greece and Rome, initially it was the heart, rather than the brain, that was considered to be the seat of mental processes, including intellectual functions like thinking, memory and imagination. And perhaps they were not too far off, as we also have sayings relating to the heart as a place of knowledge, such as “mengisi ilmu di dada“.

There are also Qur’anic verses referring to sights and senses as a source of knowledge,“…And He gave you hearing and sight and feeling and understanding…” (Sura 32:9). But the heart is also also highlighted as the criterion for faith (a type of ‘sight’, in itself?).

Thank you for the birthday wishes. Pray for my eyes and and my heart, they don’t see so well nowadays.

Funnily enough, when other job opportunities arise, I don't want to leave. As much as I'm clinically depressed right now (self-diagnosis, mind you), I know that I couldn't ask for a better job to be in right now. I love my job. Why can't I feel excited about it anymore? Sheesh, is this what happens in a marriage after 2 years?

[+]

I have been stocking up on my music files on my PC. It's a modest collection, and as I look through what I thought was a wide selection, the majority of the genre turns out to be Rock. How could this be?! Ermm… To a mention a few; Metallica, Nirvana, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Sheryl Crow, Coldplay and REM. They are all different OK?!

Anyway, after one week of rotating all the songs, I have decided I need some empty-headed pop songs in my playlist. One cannot be constantly swimming the depths all the time, one must skim the shallow waters too. For that purpose, I have four Gareth Gates songs. What blessed advertisement-like relief. I was thinking of getting some Malay songs as well, just to address the gap. The first song to pop into my head is Teman from XPDC.

Oh my God. I am a rock chick.

I first read about "nikah misyar' (pronounced 'mis-yaar') through my Yahoogroups, and being one of the more argumentative voices in our circle, I Googled to have a look before replying. Almost immediately I came across what is to be a consistent problem in all discussions relating to nikah misyar. There are no clear and consistent definitions, no dalils from the usual sources of Qur'an and Hadith from the misyar marriage proponents, which basically leaves me stumped.

The sensational reporting from the newspaper did little to shed light on this topic (so what else is new?) and the discussion on 9TV in the Halaqah program (Sunday, 21 May 2006, 9.00pm) avoided expanding on misyar marriage and its implementation, choosing the safer path of expounding the virtues of marriage in general, and focused more on idealistic situations, assuming the husband is an all-round perfect Muslim, and the wife is a rich Muslimah.

So many definitions 

So what is nikah misyar? From my rough survey, each source gives a highly different and sometimes contradictory definitions:

Husband provides for nafkah batin only, frequency of visits as agreed in contract : Berita Harian

The couple do not live in one household, but visit each other; husband is not financially responsible for supporting his wife; temporary arrangement with no set duration, but divorce is implied (husband's intention is kept hidden) : Wikipedia

Husband is responsible for everything in the marriage (as normal marriage) EXCEPT for the financial support to the wife : Halaqah, 9TV (words of Ustaz Roslan, UM)

All 3 definitions cannot be true! Perhaps that is why Qardhawi chose to define his opinion from a purely legal perspective:

"… Therefore, if anyone seeks my opinion on this marriage, I must reply him saying: What do you mean by Misyar marriage. However, if I get an explanation that shows that in Misyar marriage, all the Islamic legal requirements are met, then the marriage is valid.

Those requirements are: an offer and acceptance from both parties; a specified dowry, according to the Qur'anic verse: "And give unto the women, (whom ye marry) free gift of their marriage portions" (An-Nisa': 4), and that the contract wins the consent of the guardian. Thereby, no one has the right to brandish it as unlawful…"  [more here]

Qardhawi has chosen to stay on the fence, and rightly so, because the nature of misyar marriage depends on what has been agreed by the man, woman and her wali (if applicable) in the contract prior to their aqad. Theoretically this should absolutely safeguard all parties from being taken advantage of.

(Actually, reading between the lines, what Qardhawi is also saying is, there is no need for any other type of marriage, since a normal marriage contract allows for additional conditions and clauses to be added or taken out provided that all parties agree!)

There is also this misconception that this marriage is suited for people who travel frequently, because misyaar marriage is interpreted as 'traveller's marriage'. This is refuted below (possibly, because my Arabic is useless):

"What is the definition of the word misyaar? This you wil not find in the dictionary. The original word was actually maisar… which means wealth but it has been transformed (in grammar terminiology (sic) this is the concept of qullab) into misyaar and some people mistakenly translate this into “travellers” marriage… Misyaar in this context means wealth." [more here]

To me, in this context misyar marriage is more concerned with the financial responsibilities in a marriage rather than licensing free conjugal rites. The difference is that with the former emphasis, the husband is not absolved of other responsibilities. This means that he is still obliged to give the wife support and guidance, whether physical or emotional. This aspect was completely overlooked in our newspaper coverage, and no surprises there. Nothing sells newspapers more than invoking the wrath of intelligent, affluent women. (Ahem..). Yes, sex sells too. 

Is Misyar marriage so terrible?

Misyar marriage is seen in a bad light for 3 main reasons; there is no strong backing in the Qur'an, there is no precedent during Rasulullah's (saw) lifetime, and because of its poor implementation today. Misyar marriage is already much used as a ticket to cheap and halal sex in Saudi Arabia and used by men to gain temporary companionship on their holidays. In this manner, the misyar marriage dangerously resembles mut'ah marriage, and arguably worse since the duration is not specified, the wife practically belongs to the man indefinitely. 

My concern is that, without a proper legal framework, misyar marriage will never be used in the spirit that it was intended, which is to give two people a chance to be united while recognising the economic disparity and allowing room for negotiations. Also, much is missing in terms of family law, if children are born out of misyar ties; the same goes for inheritance.

There are opinions that once a child is born from a misyar marriage, then the misyar contract is null and void, but I have have yet to see strong argument for this. If this is true, what then? Does the misyar wife automatically become a normal wife? At point of birth, or at point of confirmation of pregnancy? If the husband is now automatically obligated to support the wife and child financially, does this not open the way for entrapment? A woman can initially agree to a simple misyar marriage, then get herself pregnant to upgrade her status.

It's all in the contract

Since the misyar marriage depends heavily on the terms of the contract, is there allowances for the contract to be reviewed? People's needs change over time, so why shouldn't there be flexibility in changing outdated terms and conditions? The husband might be up for action 5 times a week now, but will he be able to deliver 10 years on?

Personally, going into any kind of marriage will have me scouring through all the list of terms and obligations, misyar or no. My experience in drawing up contracts is, as careful and omniscient as you try to be, there will always be something not quite covered by the clauses. If any one party (the man, woman or wali) is ignorant during the contractual agreement, then there may be grave consequences, especially the other party(s) has ulterior motives.

My personal take on this? I'm backing Qardhawi. Each misyar situation is unique, then so should be the contract. As long as the compulsory parts of the 'aqd is present, then the marriage is legal and binding. But happily ever after? Only God can tell.

Other resources: 

Misyar Marriage — a Marvel or Misery?
A Happy Misyar Union

And here I was thinking the worst; tumour? losing my hearing? damage to my semi-circular canal?

NO! It's vertigo brought on by stress, topped off with some hyperacidity and trapped wind, and now I can't eat f**k all because I might be flatulent as well.

In the spirit of careful eating, I Googled and had a quick look at what I should avoid should one wish to reduce one's gaseous emission.

No beans (obviously), no high-fibre vegetables, no fried food or spicy food (hyperacidity), no wheat-based products, which just about wipes out all Malaysian culinary delights.

I think God is trying to tell me to start fasting.

You know that song about Sunscreen, and when it was doling out advice, there's this one line that stuck with me, "… the older you get, the more you need to surround yourself with people who knew you when you were young…".

I am feeling my age.

My moment came yesterday.

There we were, Ayah and I. Another car ride to send me back to Ampang. We had dropped off my two younger sisters in their colleges respectively; we all had a very late lunch at KFC. We hardly get to see each other anymore, and mealtimes are usually catching-up sessions. YoungestSis has two more exam papers to go, the MiddleSis will be going caving somewhere in Kelantan, and then there's me moaning about my work.

Then Ayah shared his news. Apparently he received an offer to work overseas, and what did we think about it? Good thing it was KFC and not some fine-dining establishment we were in, the noise level was bordering on Disturbance to the Public. We were all enthusiastic, and it seemed that although Ayah had already made his decision, he wanted to see our reaction. I think our enthusiasm for him and Mama to leave the country almost made him change his mind (apsal bebudak ni lebih-lebih je heppi?!).

As we travelled slowly along Jalan Loke Yew, Ayah and I chatted about the nomadic trail of our family, how we never stayed in one place for more than 3-4 years. The itch to uproot oneself and relocate was not intentionally nurtured, but it was there, in all of us. Our little family, and Ayah the only man in the house.

 "Go right ahead, Yah", I said. China would be one hell of a ride, I thought.

Then he said, "Ha'ah. Ayah tak risau dah pasal korang bertiga…" 

That was my moment. All these years, living in his shadow, never quite meeting up his expectations. The fights we had, the inadequacies I felt, the mistakes I made; those few trivial words I would cherish forever.

Now, thinking about this, it's not an infallible argument (that's why it's a theory). But I can guess at what the person is trying to say. People badmouth other people for various reasons, but mostly it's to make themselves feel better. It's comforting to know that although I'm no angel, I am nowhere near as bad as 'that useless bitch' or 'that lazy good-for-nothing buaya'.

It's easier doing that than looking into yourself and acknowledging that there are features of yourself that are not so nice; and that try as you might, changing your icky bits is painfully difficult. So we look down on lesser beings and say, 'Hey man, I'm not so bad, you're worse, you loser/sexist/bigot/blasphemer/tax collector, you.'

We've all done it haven't we? The backbiting, the slanders, the gossips, man there's a whole industry out there doing business just by revealing the ugly side of humanity. And we are the daily consumers because it soothes us. No one enjoys good news and success of other people; sure we hear about Nobel prize winners and sportspersons and celebrities reaching the pinnacle of their careers, but did you know he/she is secretly gay/lesbian and is a lovechild of so-and-so, bujang/janda 'gatal' some more? Exactly. Never mind if the person discovered the cure for AIDS or cancer, if you can get the dirt on a famous person, you made it, dude.

So I guess to answer the question, 'Why is there so much hate?', well, rallying around and 'mengutuk secara berjemaah' just multiplies that feelgood feeling tenfold I guess. I respect Faisal Tehrani's reasoning, although I disagree on certain points, and definitely his style is hard to swallow. But the reasoning is there, whether you feel it's right or wrong, it's your call. But for subsequent 'supporters' to get on the bandwagon and say 'ha'ah memang sial pompuan liberal tu dll', well that's just lazy.

Bandwagon riders are not the one put themselves on the line, if Faisal had not opened his mouth, do you think that half these people can articulate even the weakest of arguments? It's like what you would see in a peaceful Reformasi demo, there will be some who are genuine intellectuals who believe in the cause, there'll be a few who tagged along just to see what it's all about, and then there's a bunch of idiots who want to throw bottles and stones at the FRU.